# Clarkson



## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

With so much positive press about the new GT-R and with many people have written or test driven it already, ahead of BBC's Top Gear. It falls on Jeremy Clarkson to have, potentially, the last say. With Mr Clarkson being one to court controversy I thought it might be a good idea to pre-guess what the man might say. So, I need three things from you;
- a positive statement a-la Clarkson mode
- a negative statement a-la Clarkson mode
- the intro for The Stig to drive the R35 (_think GT-R, Nissan, R35, etc_.)

For the final one there will be some goodies for the best Stig Intro:
- An official Nissan GT-R memory stick (with full European spec details)
- R35 GT-R at Nurburgring launch booklet
- The Legend is Real DVD (media press release)
- GTROC baseball cap
- GTROC limited edition R35 T-shirt
- 50th Anniversary limited edition set of GTR playing cards
- 50th anniversary limited edition set of Takara Tomy model cars
- £5 off voucher for Japanese Performance magazine

*POSITIVE*
????

*NEGATIVE*
????

*STIG INTRO*
????


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## moleman (Jun 3, 2002)

Positive - It's like a £60k Playstation.

Negative - It's like a £60k Playstation.

Stig Intro - Some say he doesn't know what a Playstation is. Now he does.



Frankly, I'm dreading what the pubes for hair one will say about the R35.


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## GavGTR (Jan 12, 2004)

*POSITIVE*
Well, here it is ladys and gentleman, Nissans best kept secret for the last 5 years and my word what a car! The accleration is just astonishing, getting you from 0-60 in 3.5 secs leaving porkers and Ferarri's in its wake! Handling that defys imagination and it will come to a stop quicker than M1! 
*NEGATIVE*
But its not all good news inside however, oh no, see the engineers at Nissan are convinced the you should have a button for every situation and you have a dash board comparable to the space shuttle! Switches, knobs, buttons, which do I have to press for my expresso? *Insert Blank confused look*

*STIG INTRO*
And now its time to put the GTR into the hands of our tame racing driver!
Some say that he hunts green peace vessels and several torpedos hiding in his trosuers and that he only ever watches Charles Bronson films all we know is that he is called the Stig!


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## doggiehowser (Oct 8, 2007)

Oh! What the heck!  I'm happy with the car no matter what he says... and I'll have a great time watching the show (not just the GTR episode)

Positive 
The last time I got my face this warped, I was in an Ariel Atom! At least this time, I didn't have to swallow any bugs 

Negative 
If I was a rich [email protected] banker type, I wouldn't be caught dead slumming in the local Nissan dealership with the gay (oops did I say that out loud?) guy buying the pink Micra

And what is it with that perpetual whine and clunk from the back seat!? Is there a dead cat in there?

STIG Intro:
Some say when he farts, it smells like wasabi and sounds like a jet engine taking off, all we know is that he goes like Schtick..


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## ru' (Feb 18, 2007)

lol

Positive: Powah! Flappy paddle gearshift that actually works!

Negative: Why can't you just switch all the electronics off?

Stig: Some say he was made in Japan, and that he thinks in binary. All we know (etc.)


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

_not that I can win_...........

STIG: "most people's brains are split into left and right, but his is shaped like a V6, and his gonads are actually paddle shifts. All we know, is we call him the Stig"


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## Hugh Keir (Jul 25, 2001)

Fuggles said:


> _not that I can win_...........
> 
> STIG: "most people's brains are split into left and right, but his is shaped like a V6, and his gonads are actually paddle shifts. All we know, is we call him the Stig"


PMSL

Nice one John


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## EvilChap (Jan 3, 2008)

Positive:
The GTR is simply Epic. It has more power than many small countries, and make full use of every last one! Just look how it does in this little drag race I have arranged...

Negative:
It's a Nissan, and that's just not cool. I need that power in my life, but I dont need that badge. I'd buy the R8, I know it's worse in every way on paper, but I just would.

Stig:
Some say he lives on a diet of optimax alone, and that he would rather gnaw off his own arm than watch 5th gear review the GTR again.


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## Pharoahe (Mar 11, 2006)

That's a real nice competition, to bad my english isn't that good to come up with some witty comments on the GT-R

Good luck


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## sin (Dec 3, 2007)

Positive:

When our friends at Nissan said they were going to build an everyday supercar to compete with the Porsche 911 Turbo, i did think to myself that someone has had a little too much sake (saki, sp?). Then they posted a ring time that was 2 seconds quicker than the beetle.............. sorry porsche, then some reviews mention the Veyron in the same sentence and you begin to wander have they achieved what they set out to do.

When you first see the car, you can see that its ready to fight, like a stealth bomber on 4 wheels, and every single angle and crease on the car is there for a purpose, to make it cut through the air with the grace and ease of a samurai sword. 

The engine is a master piece, torque from this V6 twin turbo gives instant acceleration from any where in the rev range and when matched with this sublime semi automatic gearbox the acceleration is just one continuous surge, last time i felt acceleration this contant i was sitting in 1st class on a 747 looking at pictures of my gallardo (did i mention i had a gallardo). 

Then when you come to the twisty bits dont worry, this is where the GT-R excels itself, the traction you get from the advanced 4 wheel drive system into and out of corners is nothing short of amazing and if Isaac Newton was still here today he would surely be going over his notes. 

You then begin to wonder if Nissan have made a mistake making this for the road, you get the feeling that this was probably developed for the Shinkansen, because this thing goes like a train and handles like its on rails.



Negative:

I refuse to write anything in this section, but if there are any it will be on its looks (bottom feeder although he used that for the spyker), or all the electronics (playstation), cos he does like mechanical stuff.

Stig:

Some say his blood tastes like sake (saki, sp?), and if he ever bit you, you swell up like a Blowfish, all we know is.............


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## diddy_p (Oct 5, 2006)

good: the performance is epic
bad: its a renault/datsun (yes i know its not a renault and neither is the 350z but didnt stop that fool saying it)


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## xsvoid (Sep 15, 2002)

positive: its 52K, quicker than the germans and my mum can drive it.
negative: the driving is not as "involved" as the porsche or Audi R8. the car simply does everything for you.

stig: Some say he kidnaps fat people for a living and that he eats brillo pads, all we know is that he is the stig.


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## R34 GTT Boy (Jan 10, 2002)

Positive: It looks futuristic and moves the benchmark onto the woodwork teachers desk

Negative: No matter how much I squint or enjoy the fun its still a Nissan...

Stig: Stig has tamed many wild beasts but just see how he does with the son of Godzilla....


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## bonzelite (May 14, 2006)

+: "Nissan has done it again, overachieving with it's cult hero, iconic GT-R, but this time it's on the global assualt..."

-: "...and it just does everything too well... had I wanted the ideal sports coupe', I'd have just played Gran Turismo --but wait... Nissan has taken the trouble to make a video game experience the ultimate "reality show" on wheels.... the R35... the ultimate virtual reality that is virtually soulless."

stig: "Some say he emerged from the primordial atmospheric methanogens of Saturn's moon Titan, ejected into space as a fractious child and then sent to Earth in a fiery impact that wiped out the dinosaurs ------all we know is... he's called the Stig."


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## Rising sun (Sep 15, 2005)

*Positive:* Every once in a while, an automobile comes along that changes the game completely. A car that makes you wonder about the validity of today's laws of physics. Is E really mc squared? Does more weight necessarily mean less performance? Can a block achieve some of the best aerodynamic numbers possible? and of course, can a car from a company that used to be known as Datsun really put a porsche 911 turbo and our beloved Audi R8 to shame on the track? With the new 480 hp fire breathing Nissan GT-R straight from the land of samurais and PlayStation, we've discovered the answer to all those questions, and by God does it deviate from the expected! There has been a major coupe d'etat in the supercar world, and Stuggart lies under the guillotine. 
*
Negative:* This car won't be winning any beauty pageants. It looks like a Hercules Beetle got between the sheets with Robocop and a Japanese Gundam joined in for a threesome. There are more switches and gadgets than an air traffic control tower, and it weighs more than Nissan's Qashqai SUV. It makes one feel skillful and worthless as a driver all at once. However It is resounding proof that whoever said if you put AWD and turbochargers on a pig it would still remain a pig...was dead wrong. Well the saying doesn't quite go like that, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. 

*Stig intro: *Some say he's the result of cast molten metal from the factories of ferrari touched with the spark of life, Some say he's the Frankestein of the greatest drivers that ever lived, Some say when he laughs, an Angel gets cast to hell, All we know is he drives on the edge of utter insanity and brilliant precision and we call him the Stig.


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

*I kinda think you're missing the point on the Stig intro. Think GTR, think Nissan, think VQ38, think active rear axle, think ....... you get the idea. *


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## jae (Aug 28, 2002)

*...*

*+ve*: They said it would eat a 911 turbo. We all smiled indulgently. They said it would redefine the definition of a supercar. We will admit a slight giggle at this. Then early reviews mentioned the iconic Veyron in the same sentence. We laughed. I was ready to cut this Nipponese upstart down to size with suitable righteous fury. Then I drove it. Now I nod sagely and pretend I never doubted.

*-ve*: Supercars are meant to be sleek, radiating refinement and style. The GTR squats there and dares you to ask it to leave the supercar enclosure. Then you see the interior. I admit that it is purposeful. But more plastic than a line up of Playboy centrefolds and more knobs than a board meeting at Gucci make you realise that when they said redefine, they meant bring down to their level.

*The Stig*: Some say he set lap records at the Nurburgring before he could walk. Others say he's the result of the same secret experiment that produced Michael Schumacher. We just know him as...


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## LiamGTR (Nov 26, 2006)

Positive:
It's Japanese, the looks. The pricetag in comparison with other supercars. Can beat a 911 around the Nürburgring.

Negative:
It's a Nissan. The MFD is stupid and has pointless things on it. Something about understeer.

Stig:
Some say, he was the man responsible for the Porshe factory fire! But all we know...is he's called... The Stig!


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## GTRJack (Aug 27, 2005)

Great read!  You guys are funny..

This thread Clarkson him self must have a read...


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## Rising sun (Sep 15, 2005)

] Every once in a while, an automobile comes along that changes the game completely. A car that makes you wonder about the validity of today's laws of physics. Is E really mc squared? Does more weight necessarily mean less performance? Can a block achieve some of the best aerodynamic numbers possible? and of course, can a car from a company that used to be known as Datsun really put a porsche 911 turbo and our beloved Audi R8 to shame on the track? With the new 480 hp fire breathing Nissan GT-R straight from the land of samurais and PlayStation, we've discovered the answer to all those questions, and by God does it deviate from the expected! There has been a major coupe d'etat in the supercar world, and Stuggart lies under the guillotine. 
*
Negative:* This car won't be winning any beauty pageants. It looks like a Hercules Beetle got between the sheets with Robocop and a Japanese Gundam joined in for a threesome. There are more switches and gadgets than an air traffic control tower, and it weighs more than Nissan's Qashqai SUV. It makes one feel skillful and worthless as a driver all at once. However It is resounding proof that whoever said if you put AWD and turbochargers on a pig it would still remain a pig...was dead wrong. Well the saying doesn't quite go like that, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. 

*Stig intro: **Some say he lapped the nurburgring in record time in an R34 skyline GT-R running on cement tires, Others say he's got plasma coated finger tips, all we know is he's the Stig*

Well shoot, bloody hell I'll redo the stig


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## Bigrigger (Aug 6, 2007)

My vote is for Rising Sun so far, thats sounds just like Clarkson, espically the threesome part, that was perfect.


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## sin (Dec 3, 2007)

Stig - reworked:

Some say that when he was born his mother was in labour for 7 minutes and 38 seconds exactly, others say that he was sucked out of the womb using twin turbos in less than 3.5 seconds all we know is ...................


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## ac427 (Nov 9, 2002)

More Stig:
Some say he was born with both and that the GPS in his helmet is aligned with uranus all we know is he's called the Stig :chuckle:


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## Lith (Oct 5, 2006)

Jae ftw


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## mindlessoath (Nov 30, 2007)

i thought the top gear guys DID review the car. at least the magazine. i know the show hasnt aired... i know they got to drive the car in japan. i dont think they got to drive the car on there home turf.

i cant wait to see the review of the GT-R! i hope they compair it to jun's R33 !!!!


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## Sa-Ib-San (Mar 15, 2008)

Positive- The Nissan GTR is a supercar that makes you feel almost superhuman.One in which your mother could get in and drive and not want to hand over the keys.One in which you would quite happily leave your wife for if it meant that you could spend more time in the car. One where it's like falling in love with Jessica Alba after being with Paris Hilton, you'll never wanna go back to Paris, no matter how much you like starring in homemade videos!!!The GTR is quite simply a car with no equal. Period.


Negative- D.A.T.S.U.N


Stig - Some say he once received an invitation from NissanMaindealer and drove all the way to South Africa to see the great man??????!!! Others say he can only count numbers from 32 to 35 using the letter "R".All we know is that he is the albino love child of the "Terminator"!!???


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

Well initial comments from Jeremy seem to suggest he might like it. Let's wait and see shall we?


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## ticketmaster123 (Mar 19, 2008)

...some say he comes with 20 inches as standard...and his shaft is made of carbon fibre...all we know is: he's called The Stig.


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

Just heard...........

The *Stig intro* will be judged by Nissan's Manager Sports Cars :bowdown1:


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## Sa-Ib-San (Mar 15, 2008)

Sorry if i've missed this, but who actually was ajudged the winner of the stig intro??? Not that i think i should have won or anything of course.....ahem...


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## kpkpkp (Dec 1, 2007)

Lith said:


> Jae ftw


Agreed

Kp


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## Sa-Ib-San (Mar 15, 2008)

kpkpkp said:


> Agreed
> 
> Kp


Say wot........


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## paulc (Mar 5, 2008)

Taken from yesterdays sunday times motoring section :

...Because when it comes to four-wheel-drive turbo cars for the PlayStation generation, all eyes are currently on the Nissan GT-R – the most eagerly anticipated new arrival since God stuck a pin in a map and decided on Bethlehem. 

The fact is, though, that the Nissan is going to be upwards of £50,000, about 15 grand more than the little EVO. And I’m sorry but I cannot see, with the current laws of physics in place, how it can possibly be that much better...


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## paulc (Mar 5, 2008)

paulc said:


> Taken from yesterdays sunday times motoring section :
> 
> ...Because when it comes to four-wheel-drive turbo cars for the PlayStation generation, all eyes are currently on the Nissan GT-R – the most eagerly anticipated new arrival since God stuck a pin in a map and decided on Bethlehem.
> 
> The fact is, though, that the Nissan is going to be upwards of £50,000, about 15 grand more than the little EVO. And I’m sorry but I cannot see, with the current laws of physics in place, how it can possibly be that much better...


OOps, forgot to say that this was Clarksons section in the times


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

So is that your entry? :chuckle:


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

With all the interest in what Ol Jezza has been wrting lately I thought it would be good to resurrect thisthread.



Fuggles said:


> With so much positive press about the new GT-R and with many people have written or test driven it already, ahead of BBC's Top Gear. It falls on Jeremy Clarkson to have, potentially, the last say. With Mr Clarkson being one to court controversy I thought it might be a good idea to pre-guess what the man might say. So, I need three things from you;
> - a positive statement a-la Clarkson mode
> - a negative statement a-la Clarkson mode
> - the intro for The Stig to drive the R35 (_think GT-R, Nissan, R35, etc_.)
> ...


since then the box of goodies has expanded even further and includes a lot more stuff


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

You have until Goodwood everyone. Then all the best intros will be given to Nissan Europe's Head of Marketing to decide the best one.


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## BigNige (Jun 1, 2008)

Some say his lungs act as twin turbos for his 3.8 litre heart, and that his skull is filled with nitrogen gas to keep his brain working at optimum temperatures, all we know is he's called The Stig...


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## dwreid (Mar 2, 2008)

Stig Intro
....over to our tame racing driver. A poll of his lovers has revealed that some consider him extremely impressive, but cold and uninvolving. Others that he is the ultimate in passion and performance. They were unanimous however that they have never experienced thrust or handling like it. All we know is that he has a unique ability to take on anyone, anywhere and anytime. The Legend is real and he's called the Stig.....:bowdown1:


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## BigNige (Jun 1, 2008)

Some say his lungs act as twin turbos for his 3.8 litre heart, and that his skull is filled with nitrogen gas to keep his brain working at optimum temperatures. His skin has three clear coats to protect him when he is running, and his racing team colour is white. All we know is he's called The Stig...


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

dwreid said:


> ...... The Legend is real and he's called the Stig.....


Cool! Like it


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## kpkpkp (Dec 1, 2007)

Stig
Some say he is the one that taught Ayrton , Michael and Lewis to drive in the wet and that if you listen carefully to him breathing you can hear the sounds of twin turbos. All we know is that his helmet is big and white and he's called The Stig...

Kp


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## axolotl (May 29, 2008)

most of you have probably already seen this but thought i'd just put this here while we're waiting for the top gear test 2009 Nissan GT-R - Full Test: InsideLine


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

Thank you to everyone that entered. The entries will be given to Nissan's European Head of Marketing for his views and opinions. The judge's decision is final 

The winner will be announced on 28 July at the yacht event.


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## dwreid (Mar 2, 2008)

Fuggles said:


> Thank you to everyone that entered. The entries will be given to Nissan's European Head of Marketing for his views and opinions. The judge's decision is final
> 
> The winner will be announced on 28 July at the yacht event.


Who was the lucky winner


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

Dunno, Simon is on holiday right now so has the list for his reading pleasure whil he's away


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

and the winner is......



sin said:


> Stig - reworked:
> 
> Some say that when he was born his mother was in labour for 7 minutes and 38 seconds exactly, others say that he was sucked out of the womb using twin turbos in less than 3.5 seconds all we know is ...................



Chosen by representatives of NMGB at a meeting with them yesterday


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## sin (Dec 3, 2007)

Woo Hoo


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

No probs  Will get it off to you at the end of this week. Hope you like the box of goodies


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## axolotl (May 29, 2008)

Congratulations Sin. By the way.....the GT-R race against the train in Japan is on Dave today at 5pm.


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## Fuggles (Jul 3, 2001)

Posted off today. The box weighed over 3 kilos!


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